All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Finally!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.