@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

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@Lovestained555

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@sweetmomissa

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

@DanMentos

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

@TragicAllyHere

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@fro_vo

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

@xLiserx

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.