A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass