This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
How times have changed.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses