Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
first you must answer his riddles
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
True.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired