The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*