They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
![]()
You Might Also Like
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
![]()
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
How times have changed.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
![]()
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
![]()
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
![]()
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.