They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved