interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.