why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
You Might Also Like
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife