“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭