My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?