My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
#SCOTUS one-star review
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy