If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure