I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
taking June’s advice to heart