Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
They’re stuck in your pants?