Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do