“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Beauty and the Beast
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.