Beauty and the Beast
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Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I am, perchance
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.