When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.