Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
good work, detective
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*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
The Weeknd is back
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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