Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
December birthdays be like…