My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.