@TheFirstDudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

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@VickieComedy

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

@caliluvgirl77

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

@TinaMav

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

@lincnotfound

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

@ixix82

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@ambamthankyamam

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

@bridger_w

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese