My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Pizza is an emotion right?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
@ candidates for local office
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me