My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
called in thicc to work this morning
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now