“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend