oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Golf would be better with landmines.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*