oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods![]()
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Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
how to have an accident 101
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”