them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
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My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Cats (2019)
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.