When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.