the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
No. YOU-buprofen.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
what it’s like dating me:
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Where’s my employee discount too?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.