Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny