I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.