I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now