when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Not today, today.
Not today.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Wake me when AI does housework
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.