The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
they finally got him. they got macavity
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
doing your own taxes
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
🤣😂🤣
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”