If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Just say no
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”