[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?