Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Still cracks me up
The answer is funnier than the question
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.