Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Hey I worked for it too!
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
there has never been a better use of this meme
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory