Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it