Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.