When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen