Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it