I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
You have been warned.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.