I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.