Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
You Might Also Like
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.