You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch