You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes