If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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When your parents check you’re ok.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.