Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[eats all your cotton candy]
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see