*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Yup!
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
spicy snake
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When I snag the last meatball.
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.