Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
You Might Also Like
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?