Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday