I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses