“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am