I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
gentlemen, hear me out
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.